The Visit
Artwork by @justjessdoing_jessthings
This past week I’ve been doing a lot of writing about how one of my denial techniques has been to think that my mom is on a trip rather than dead. It’s easier to cloud my reality with this lie because the lack of her presence can feel similar to when she was on an overnight trip. With these thoughts swirling in my mind, I fell asleep the night before Mother’s Day.
#
Cobb: “You never really remember the beginning of a dream, do you? You always wind up right in the middle of what's going on.” (Quote from the film Inception)
The sky is a clear blue while the sun warms my balcony floor and a cool breeze kisses my cheek as I water my tomato plant when I hear someone knocking on the front door. “Who could that be?” I wonder as I set down my water cup and walk towards the door. I open the door a crack and feel as my limbs freeze in shock. My mom and grandma are standing at my door’s threshold.
“Mom? Abuelita?”
“Hi mjio!” My mom says and makes a movement indicating she wants to come in. “Como estas?”
I step aside as I open the door wider and she walks inside. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and turns to my grandma. “Entra mamita.” My grandma walks inside and also gives me a kiss on the cheek before following my mom.
I close the door and turn to see my mother immediately going into the garden.
“Mira mama.” She says to my grandma, who follows her out. “Mira que bonito se ve.”
I follow them outside. My mom and grandma both look as though they have never suffered from their respective cancers. They look refreshed, energetic, and extremely familiar with each other as though they’ve found each other on the other side. I wonder how much time they’ve spent together.
My mom continues speaking to my grandma while she inspects the garden. She looks carefully over each plant, she speaks to them, and then starts to rearrange a few. My grandma offers her thoughts as a whisper in my mom’s ear as she works.
“Mijo,” My mom gestures towards me, “these all look beautiful but there are a few things you need to do: The tomato plant needs to be pruned more often, pluck the dry leaves as often as you can. Make sure you clean the aloe’s leaves more often so that they don’t get too dirty, she’ll appreciate her clean leaves. Also, I think that this cacti will like to be placed here rather than where it was. One final thing, make sure you repot some of these plants soon, the soil is starting to become too compact and that’ll kill them.”
I nod.
“You’ve done a beautiful job mijo, I’m proud of you.” She smiles at me with my grandma standing beside her doing the same.
#
I wake up and look at my phone, it’s 5:30am. I get out of bed and immediately stumble towards my desk with eyes half closed. I grab the pen lying on top of my journal and bring my face level with the paper, I didn’t put on my glasses in my haste, to quickly write everything I can remember of the dream before I forget. When I finish writing I stumble towards my bed and collapse smiling.
I know my mom isn’t on a physical trip and I understand that there are times where I use my self delusion as an attempt to control my emotions of grief rather than face them head on. I don’t believe that’s what this dream was.The timing of this dream cannot be a coincidence. Regardless of what I believe about death and the afterlife, this dream has given me peace before one of my hardest days on the calendar. My mom may not be on a trip away from home in my life but maybe she is on another type of trip, a trip in which she has found her mom, where they have reconnected after their battles with cancer, and in which they spend their free time visiting their loved ones. This time, it was my turn.