Grocery Store Run
Artwork by @justjessdoing_jessthings
“Did you find everything okay?” The cashier grimaced a smile in my direction as she started scanning the items with her gloved hands. I pursed my lips in her direction not wanting to open my mouth.
The problem with eating every day is that the food eventually runs out and when the food runs out, it needs to be replenished or one could starve. Not the ideal situation. I like to meal-prep. Every piece of food in my fridge is accounted for. This means I know when I’ll be needing to make a food run. Usually, I enjoy grocery store runs. I like taking my time looking at all the produce possibilities. “Have I eaten this vegetable before? When was the last time I had pears? How can I enhance my meal with this spice? I could spend hours at the store, without a worry or care. Now though, I’m absolutely dreading it. My heart starts to beat faster at the mere thought of going into the store. My chest and throat tighten and my breathing restricts. I don’t want to go to the grocery store. I don’t want to risk exposing myself to an unseen danger. I don’t want to see empty shelves. But, as I bite into my last apple, I know I’ll have to be going soon.
I lay on my couch all of Saturday thinking, “Maybe I will starve... maybe starving won’t be that bad.” I move from my couch to my bed. I do my best not to go to the now empty fridge. With anxiety crippling me from basic movement, I surrender. “Fine, I’ll go tomorrow.”
Sunday I wake up. Today’s the day. “I’ll make a list! That way I won’t waste any time once inside the store.” I sit down with a pen and post-it notepad and start writing items down. I’ve always found a comfort in making lists. The process distracts me from whatever reality I am facing. I write out a list for 2 weeks worth of supplies, hoping that this will all blow over by then. I’m pretty sure it won’t. I don’t want to go alone, so I tell Jess that I’m coming over to her house. We can walk together to the store from her house.
When we start the half mile walk to the store, I notice that my legs are jelly, my nerves are jittery, and I’m already restricting my breathing. I just want to get this over with. As we reach those sliding doors, my breathing starts to quicken and my chest tightens. As soon as we walk in, I try to stop breathing (What is WRONG with me), I go straight for my supplies and anger myself because I’m picking too slowly. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder to see if anyone is standing besides me. I can feel my body heating up from the nerves. I even snap at Jess when she asks me a simple question. Finally, I have everything and it’s time to pay. But Oh my GOD, every cash register is full. What do I do? Just pick a line and go. I stand in a line, bristle when someone slides in next to me... finally it's time to pay. OH NO! The person ringing me up looks like they are going to cough! They don’t, my card payment is approved, I say goodbye through my teeth, grab my bag, and rush out the store without one more single breath until the store is 200 feet behind me.
In the comfort and safety of my own home, I slowly put the groceries away after disinfecting and washing everything. I feel my pulse return to normal. I start to relax. I won’t have to go back for another couple of weeks.
This shouldn’t happen to me. I should NOT be afraid of going for a grocery store run. I’m scared of everything, I don’t want to leave my house, and I find myself dreading every news update. I think I know what the root of my fear is and it’s simply that I don’t want to get sick and put my dad through that pain. It’s been just over 3 years since mom died and my dad is currently taking care of my grandma who is certainly on limited time. I cannot imagine the pain it would cause if I were to get sick and be a worst case scenario. None of us can afford that right now. So, I try to control everything I can control. I wash my hands raw, I constantly disinfect my home, and I try not to leave the house. It’s not easy and there is no current end to this paranoia in sight, so I take it day by day and wish for the best.
As we were leaving the store earlier that day, Jess turned to me and asked, “So, how was that?” She smiled warmly at me.
“It wasn’t great,” I answered “but at least I was with you.” Our situations are scary right now, there’s no denying it but at least we don’t have to go through this alone.